I was asked to give a testimony at church several years ago, regarding my experience with cancer. One of the things I found myself saying was:
“Faith is not belief without doubt. Faith is belief despite doubt.”
That may sound a bit backward to you. But I have a story that shows this idea in action.
I grew up in a Christian home, but quit going to church when my parents divorced while I was in high school. That combined with other circumstances led me to proceed into a rather unchristian life, pushing my faith to the back burner. I still had a small flame of belief, but it didn’t drive my life by any means.
I majored in Biology in college, and had evolutionary theory pounded into my brain. Oddly, in many ways it flared that flame of belief. But years later I found myself having serious doubts. I prayed constantly for God to help me quell those doubts. I reasoned with Him, and pointed out over and over that HE is the one who gave me a scientific mind, and therefore my request was that HE lead me to “proof” that He exists.
I searched madly. I looked up information online. I looked for books. I found nothing that I felt offered any sort of “proof” of God’s existence.
(At this point you may be thinking, “But, Kat, there are gobs of books and websites out there! Haven’t you heard of apologetics?” And you’re making a mental list of information to send me. Hold tight, though—I’m not done with my story!)
I searched and searched for a long time. Weeks? Months? I don’t remember. What I do remember is giving up in a fit of frustration. And one day I found myself sitting on the couch, praying: “Lord, I give up. I guess I have to believe without proof.”
The next day or so, I happened to go to Lifeway Christian bookstore. I don’t even remember what I had gone there for, but as I was walking out I came to an end cap that housed a display of books:
The Case for a Creator, by Lee Strobel.
I nearly dropped to my knees. Tears burned my eyes. I bought the book, of course, and completely devoured it when I got home. The bibliography was filled with books by the scientists Lee Strobel interviewed, and I began buying and reading those books one by one. A full shelf in my bookcase is now lined with books on Creation science.
Obviously, all of those books already existed. I simply couldn’t find them. I personally think God wouldn’t let me find them. He wanted me to believe despite my doubts. And when I finally did, He gave me what I had been praying for all along.
(OK, now for the dirty work. Some of you may be tempted to hijack the blog comments with your arguments about evolution—for or against. If you would like to find a forum in which to debate that, go ahead—but do NOT do it here. This post is about faith and doubt.)
So, your turn. Do you have a story to share? A time in your life when God expected faith despite your doubts?
The New Authors Fellowship 
Wow, I just posted a quote about my loss and gain of faith yesterday. “I don’t believe faith is the absence of fear but rather the belief in something greater than what you fear.” (Blogged about my own faith journey a couple months ago).
I fear the unknown, the future where I cannot calculate all the outcomes (yes, I am a control freak). One reason I believe God has allowed the bottom of my world to fallout over and over again is to show me there is no control; the safety nets I believe in are only an illusion. He is the only true safety net.
When my husband lost his job this second time around, the belief that God can do the impossible finally sunk from my head to my heart. I always knew He could, but for the first time I felt it with every fiber of my being.
Thank you for sharing your faith journey Kat 🙂
Ooh, very good, Morgan. I like that description of faith. I think too many of us worry that we’re not being faithful if we have doubts and fears, and I just don’t think that’s true. It’s moving past them, and trusting God to help us through them. Having them doesn’t make us less faithful.
And thank you for sharing, too!
I have many I’ve shared and many that are between me and God. I do know that His timing is perfect, He leads us to the when and where we should be, and He loves us on a personal level. The least we can do is try to fight our stupid and have faith. Excellent post, Chicky. 😛
Oh, yep. You’ve definitely had to show faith despite doubt, Di. I know that :).
Heh, I feel like my life is a continual progression of the Lord asking me if I will believe him no matter how practically impossible the scenario he presents looks, especially in the area of finances. It’s as though he periodically asks us, “Will you follow me to THIS place, even though the logical numbers involved look even worse than where you are now? Are you willing to wait upon my blessings that come when you obey?”
I know I tug backward on the lead rope like the stubborn mule that I am. But I also know that the Lord is always faithful. You’d think I’d eventually come along quietly, right? But I also think Kat is right that he gave us minds that reason, so there is growth in asking the questions.
I love how you put that, Becky: “…he gave us minds that reason, so there is growth in asking the questions.” I think God wants obedience, but He also wants us to learn. So, yes, He wants questions–although the way He answers isn’t always what we expect!
My Dearest Kat ,
Lest we all become as children in our faith, we shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven!
Yep, yep, yep. And kids aren’t afraid to admit when they have doubts about things. Still, their heart if for belief :).
Thank you so much for this article. I am referencing it in my blog post – providing a link!