It seems like it generally moves in the right direction, if you’re willing to keep persevering, but every now and then there’s a huge boulder in the path that makes for a detour of unforeseen complications.
And sometimes, a bomb goes off, sending you flying back to where you started.
At least, that’s how it feels.
I’ve been here a long time. In this writing journey, on this path, in this fellowship of bloggers. On this particular site, once you get published, you get kicked out. In a nice way. But still, you get to move on.
I’ve been pursuing this dream for a lot of years. Making progress, going backward, making progress again, only to have to start over. And over. And over. People ask, “Why don’t you self-publish?” That’s a valid question. I’ve thought about it. I’ve weighed the pros and cons of self-pubbing against seeking traditional publication, and I still have my heart set on traditional publishing.
This past week has been one of monumental disappointment. I saw the finish line. It was there. I’ve spent the last eight months working almost non-stop because I thought the fruit of my labor was just over the next rise.
But it wasn’t. The path veered in another direction entirely from the one I wanted to take.
And while I know I made the right decision, for me, for my book, I can’t help but want to weep at the frustration. My heart is breaking, and I’m overwhelmed with self-doubt and a multitude of other emotions. I can’t help wondering if I’m wrong. If I should be doing it differently. If God’s plan for me is something else entirely. If I’m just supposed to wait on His timing or give up. If I’ve done something wrong and I’m being punished.
Yes, I know, that’s not really in line with a theology of grace, but I can’t help thinking it. I go through all of the struggles in my life and wonder, “If I had that under control, would my writing finally be blessed?”
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or where I’m supposed to go with this next, I just know I’m overwhelmed with the ache of another seeming failure, and exhausted from working with nothing to show for it, and frustrated from having to start back at the beginning.
But I’ll keep going. I’m not ready to give up yet. And so I’ll deal with this disappointment as I’ve dealt with all the others over the last several years I’ve been doing this.