32 Comments

Stupid

<–I love pointing out stupid.

It’s funny and I do like to laugh. Of course the problem with pointing out others people’s stupid is I have three fingers and a hitchhikers thumb pointing back at me. The reason I can spot stupid so easily is I am quite the expert on it, or at least moments of it.

Some people think it’s mean to point out stupid, but I disagree. I also believe that those that can’t laugh at stupid are in denial of their own stupid, walking around grumpy and up tight, shaming those of us that accept that humanity does stupid very well.  I say we must, in good spirit, laugh at ourselves and others. Otherwise, we would all fall into a mass depression.

I believe God wants us to laugh at our moments of stupid. It allows us to examine why it was stupid and what we can do differently in the future. As a show of good stupid faith, I will share some of my own stupid. Please, laugh and point at me. I will not have my feelings hurt. As a matter of fact, I will laugh right along side of you. And maybe someday, you will allow me to know your stupid and we will bond in stupid bliss. Before I share I’d like to give a few of my favorite stupid quotes…because they are funny.

“Stupid is as stupid does.” — Forrest Gump

“Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.”–Anonymous

“It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”–Mark Twain

“Everyone has a right to be stupid; some people just abuse the privilege.”–unknown to me.

#1 I get to moving along some times and stop paying attention. Then, WHAMO! I knock the ever loving stupid out of myself.  I am the person that walks into a sliding glass door. If I had paid closer attention…stupid. * This moment has happened more than once, so I get a gold stupid star.

#2 Nair, if you don’t know, is a chemical some sadistic person made up to remove hair without the need to shave. It guarantees that in 3 minutes, all hair will be gone. It also says its safe for facial hair. A few years back, I decided that the light fuzz on my face was not needed.  The bottle said it was safe. After 30 seconds, a slight tingling began. At 45 seconds my face was on fire. At one minute I had tears streaming as I splashed as much water as I could to get it off. If I had thought it through…stupid. Never happened again. I learned my stupid lesson and thankfully there wasn’t any scarring from the chemical burns.

#3 Any of you remember what an Epilady is? I can only describe it as an ancient (80’s) torture devise that rips hair and possibly chunks of leg from a woman. Only a stupid girl would ever try it once. Only an idiot, a little soft in the head, would have a second go. If I had…stupid. There is no explaining this level of stupidity. I will not disgrace myself further by trying.

#4 I am rather fond of gas stoves. But when the kids were younger we had our first and only fire from one. I didn’t catch food, dish or pan on fire. Oh no, that would be too easy. And when I do stupid, I do it right.  Let me give you a visual so you can appreciate the fullness of the stupid.

Grilled cheese. The kids wanted grilled cheese and I was happy to oblige. They played behind me on the area rug we had in the kitchen as I buttered bread and opened sliced cheese. I turned on the burner and placed a cast-iron skillet to heat. I do believe it was Nick that asked me a question and I turned around to answer him. I no more got a few words out when the kids’ eyes bugged. I slowly turned to see what behind me was so startling.

Umm…there was a plexi-glass back-splash and I caught a glimpse of fire in the corner of my vision but when I turned completely, it wasn’t there.

Umm…the kids started to scream and I turned again, catching the smell of singed hair with the rotation. At that time, my hair came to my waist. Well, it did until that very second. Imagine, if you will, me and the kids screaming as I smacked the crap out of myself, over and over until my hair was fully out.  Yes, that level of stupid can only be achieved with years of stupid training.

I could probably go on with a list as tall as I am. Not very tall but it’s a list and that is something. I like to think I am learning to overcome my stupid tendencies but I can’t honestly say I never do stupid anymore. When you excel at the rate I have, it’s a hard habit to break.

And so, because I am a stupid savant, I will point and laugh when I see it around me. Hope you can too.

Before I leave you, I’d like to wish Chicky a very happy birthday. If you feel you’d like to do the same, hop on over to facebook and do so.

Peace, love and God’s will.

About Diane Graham

Diane Graham lives in the mountains of eastern Oklahoma with her husband, children and many dogs. She is an avid reader and lover of all art forms that encapsulate imagination and goodness. Her debut novel I Am Ocilla was released in March 2012.

32 comments on “Stupid

  1. My daughter Hannah didn’t cut her hair before she was 12. It was almost down to her knees.

    She was making cookies from scratch and got her hair caught in the electric mixer. It’s a good thing she was creaming butter because that helped her hair slip free better. It took an hour of untwisting the resulting tangle and we had to cut some of her virgin hair. Needless to say, she now puts her hair UP when in the kitchen. Oh, and it’s “only” waist length now.

    • Ouch! I feel your daughter’s pain.
      I’ve not grown mine out that long since. This spring I cut mine when it hit the arch of my back. 😛

    • lol, my own daughter ought to take note. She hasn’t figured out yet the many reasons why my hair is pretty much always braided.

      You learn survival tactics after 10+ years of long hair. Had it to my knees when I married, but I assure you that I donated 14″ to Locks of Love when I had my first child.

  2. First, still laughing about you beating fire out of your own hair. Glad you lived. I’d hate to be laughing at a dead person.

    Here’s a personal story of stupid.
    In college, I once tried to jump over a couch. I mean, lots of people do it, right? They just hop over and, if they’re really cool, they land cross-legged. Yeah. I caught my ankle on the way and pretty much just ended up tripping over a couch and plowing face-first into the floor.
    Thankfully, five of my closest friends were there to watch, laugh and spread the story.
    Also, thankfully, this was before cell phones and cell phone pics.

  3. Well, since it’s my birthday (thanks for keeping that secret, btw :P) I guess I get to refuse to tell my “stupid” stories–hehe. Let’s just leave it at, I’ve had more broken toes than I can remember.

  4. My Dearest Youngest Daughter,

    If you be the princess of stupid, guess who be the Queen?

  5. Here’s my favorite stupid story:

    I was shopping for Christmas gifts a few years ago, and didn’t I scour every store that even had a remote possibility of having animal puppets for my nephew? He’s a huge animal lover, and a puppet is WAY more fun than just a stuffed animal, right? Well, the entirety of Pottstown appeared to be suffering a puppet-drought.

    On my way out of the mall, we walked through the sporting goods store to get to the lot where the car was, and wasn’t there and adorable rack of all kinds of cute animals near the registers? Lo and behold, they all had open undersides, large enough to slip a hand in. I found a very friendly looking little skunk. I was a bit disappointed you couldn’t manipulate his little arms, but after having found a coveted puppet after hours of searching, I rushed him to the checkout. I remarked to my boys how thrilled I was to find a puppet right as we were about to call it quits, and in the sporting goods store, of all places.

    Well, my then 2 year old was enamored with the skunk, and wanted to hold it in the car. I pulled it from the bag. The tag dangling from the puppet caught my eye.

    Plush driver cover, the tag read. Driver as in golf. This silly thing wasn’t a puppet, but a hugely overpriced golf accessory! No wonder the cashier, while too nice to correct me, had a look of laughing on the inside.

    I couldn’t bring myself to give my nephew a driver cover. So we kept the skunk (my son named him Stinky Pet) and I went a half hour away to a chain book store and eventually found a squirrel puppet. An actual one, this time.

    Thanks for sharing your stupidity with us, Diane. 🙂

    • LOL It could have been worse, Becky. I think we spend our lives trying to top our own stupid. It’s like some twisted little game. Hehehe…:P

  6. 🙂 Let’s just say, if you think a burner on an electric stove top might be on, it is NOT a good idea to touch it to find out. 😉

    • This reminds me of a story about my Nick (he is very special like me). We were in the car and he was jacking with all the knobs, buttons and gizmos. What should the little panda push and then pull out? That’s right, the lighter. His response after the crying, it wasn’t on fire when I put my finger in there. 😉

  7. Hahaha! Glad to know I’m not the only one who does stupid things 🙂 Loved the hair-catching-on-fire story. A couple weeks after my wedding, I caught our little kitchen on fire. Later that night my husband came home with a fire extinguisher. My first gift from my husband. Let’s just say that fire is my specialty 🙂

  8. Ok, here’s my brilliant moment of stupidity.

    About 7 years ago, my husband and I went with our roommate up to Minot, ND, for apt hunting. As we drove around to different complexes, we noticed in most parking lots, about every other spot had a post with electrical outlets on them.

    At first we thought nothing of it. But the more we shopped around, the stranger it seemed. Finally, we started talking about it. We decided that there must be an unusual amount of electric cars. (Yes, I know, aren’t we brilliant?)

    That evening, we had dinner with her new boss and his family. The subject of the apt hunting came up and we mentioned how unusual it was to have so many electrical outlets and how it was pretty awesome if there were so many electric cars up here.

    Her boss started laughting.

    Turns out when you live so far north, it tends to get very cold in the winter. YeSo most people have warmers installed for their engines.

    Here’s my sign…

  9. In college, one fine morning, I walked out of my dorm to find my car gone. Nothing there but a sad looking empty parking space. Frustration and ungodly words spewed forth. Calls to the campus police brought a prompt officer who took my information. He got on the radio and in a flurry of acronyms and codes soon had the entire Eastern Seaboard looking for my car.

    Within minutes his radio called back with great news…my car was found! It was, uhm, in the college library parking lot where I had left it the night before. In a gallant gesture of chauvinism and lust I had walked a young lady at the library back to her dorm, and completely forgetting my car was still at the library, had later walked back to my dorm.

    While stupid, at least there was a woman to blame. Females have been turning men into morons for ages.

  10. Do you mean that males have been blaming females for their stupid for ages? 😛

  11. HA! In my youth I would have walked straight into that trap. Being older and wiser I have since learned that in the battle of the sexes silence is often the better part of valor.

  12. As a teen, I rode my bike right into a construction sign/sawhorse. Bare legs torn up and all. Guy in a car who saw it stopped and helped me. Would have taken me home but I told him to take me to the emergency room – my parents worked at the hospital.

    Not the only time I did that sort of thing either. Me and my brothers got in sporadic games of chase/tag. One time, in a parking lot I broadsided a car that was crawling through. Scared the poor driver half to death. She gave me that dirty look that says, “Are you insane or what?”

    Another game of tag was ice skating.
    Lesson 1) trying to jump start skating fast AND trying to turn at the same time just does not work
    Lesson 2) blood looks terrible on ice
    I fell and my brother ran right over my finger with his skate… oops

    My newlywed cooking incident? Had some scone dough given to me and decided to cook some. Husband converted me to olive oil so that’s what I used. Then, while waiting for it to heat up, I got a phone call… um… ooops. By the time I got off the phone and back to the pan, it was looking pretty dangerous. It wasn’t in flames yet, but I was convinced it was gonna explode any moment. Didn’t know what to do so, terrified, I grabbed it and put it outside. At least there it would burn me, right?(that’s a different stupid story) Meanwhile, I had a house of major smoke (no smoke detector or extinguisher – long countryside story) but pride wouldn’t let me be caught by my Husband so I opened every window I could and spent the next hour+ trying to assemble a new fan… then I told him about it anyway.

    The first time I used oven cleaner I didn’t read the instructions… Not only did I not use gloves, but there I am smearing it on my wrists and arms thinking it’s such a weird orange color… until it started tingling… can’t see the scars anymore though…

    And the one broken bone I had – ankle… I got in PE, during a party, freetime, when someone tried to steal a ball I was playing with… that long, stupid story landed me in a cast and on crutches for 6 weeks… and my bedroom was upstairs in a three story house…

    I too could go on – especially when I get to thinking about it. Nice to know more stuff we have in common. lol.

    • Oh, my kindred spirit, Little Sister. I’m laughing at you and with you. Nodding and laughing. Good times. 😛

  13. Stupid is putting in a new chapter header and not taking out the old one, then sending the book to print… doh!

  14. So fun to get to know you in other ways, and I’m not throwing any stones.

  15. Stupid is a seven year old trying to walk across the top of of a jungle gym. A mere four-foot drop later, I had a fractured funny bone. And before you say it, yes, I broke my funny bone. It wasn’t funny. After hearing it from several doctors, nurses, and family members, it loses it’s charm.
    Stupid is that same little girl being told if she jogs her elbow too hard, she’ll need surgery. This little girl’s mother comes out to find this stupid child climbing on top of boxes to catch a lizard with her good hand. Thankfully, this stupid child did not injure herself worse.

  16. HaHaHa…gosh I needed me a dose of Lady Di’s humor…a heaping helping of it…I sure felt a twinge of guilt to laugh at your expense though….just a twinge. I wouldn’t call you “stupid” though…I would call you “Lucy”….dye your hair red.

    Have you ever laughed hard for no reason. It is like a gift from God. That happened the other day at work. I was helping a Latino woman with her resume, she laughed at my pronounciation of a Spanish word and we both just laughed and laughed. We couldn’t stop. She had tear welled in her eyes just moment before. She has 8 month old triplets, she and her husband are both from California and both need jobs. I think that God knew that we needed “joy unspeakable”.

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