24 Comments

Anvil Interview- Grace Bridges

Image from Hershey Recipes

Grace Bridges contacted me not too long ago. That’s not very uncommon being that we run in the same circles.  What was uncommon was the message she sent.  Very simple really.

Calling for backup. Please bake as much cheesecake as you can and send ASAP.

What the heck was that supposed to mean? So I sent back a message asking but receive no reply.  This had me worried for days, and so I sent another message. This time Grace replied.

Security has been compromised. All modern methods of communication are a wash. Switch to pigeon.

But my pigeon is an old bird that has eaten far too much cheesecake. I tried to borrow one but it was no use. Finally, I received word by way of wind whisper.

I’m coming. Have cheesecake ready.

And so, Grace came to my mountain.  She brought a few unexpected surprises. We had an adventure. I’ll let you decide the rest.

Diane– Welcome to my mountain, Grace. Was the trip in the…Is that a hot air balloon you have parked next to my Suburban? (Grace nods.) How was your flight and please tell me what has you flying half-way across the planet to speak with me? Don’t worry, the house has been coated with tin-foil and duct-tape. You’re safe.

Grace- I often fly round the world to get to my friends. Just ask any of them. Oh and by the way did you know that the temporal doodacky-whatsit in my, er, multi-capacity vehicle here actually means we are currently in the future? Yes’m, making the future is what I do, and I’ve dragged you into it for the moment. This in turn means that this conversation hasn’t taken place yet, so as long as you don’t mind that, we’re good to go!

Diane- Oh, I don’t mind at all. Where are my manners? Would you like some tea with honey and a slice of cheesecake? (Pours tea and serves a slice, two slices of cheesecake.) If we are in the future, you will not have really eaten this. Might as well.

So what was so urgent and why did I bake a hundred cheesecakes?

Grace- Remind me to put you on my chocolate list for that. By the way, do I get some milk with the tea? It’s too hot otherwise. Right, thank you.

Where were we? Ah yes. Well, you see, cheesecakes are very necessary in space. Very necessary indeed. (Thumbs out the window.) This vehicle only looks like a hot air balloon – in fact it’s a state-of-the-art intergalactic rocket. It can go a long way, so of course all the cheesecake chutes have to be filled up before leaving home base. Don’t forget it was you who suggested they might be the most effective ammunition on this particular mission – but I have to tell you, I had a passenger come along for the ride. Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be.

Diane- (Gasp) You don’t mean to tell me you have gone on the hunt, do you? Let me see your arm. (Tugs the sleeve of Grace’s jacket.) You have the patch. That makes you Space Ace Grace. (Snort) Seriously, how many Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronauts have you taken down? And who was foolish enough to go along with you?

Grace- (Straightens jacket.) It was glorious! For the first few shots I bulls-eyed those cakes right down their gullets – of course zombies and vampires don’t wear helmets, because they don’t breathe – and sent them spinning off forever into the void of space. Then I heard movement behind me. It was my passenger, Paul. He’s always up for a good bit of space shenanigans and I am fortunate to have him along on the occasional trip. Well, as soon as he saw what I was firing at the noxious bonneted monsters, he ran to the chute and got one out for our breakfast. His wife made the tea, and we took a break. This is where the unfortunate part comes in. It didn’t stop there, you see… oh, Diane, you make a really good cheesecake, you know that?

Diane- Thank you.  You mean to tell me Paul has the patch as well? Geesh. What have I started? No, don’t answer that. No wonder you need so much cheesecake. How’s that working out? We all know Paul’s weakness is cheesecake. Is a hundred enough? And what is the unfortunate part?

Grace- The unfortunate part is that the first cheesecake we ate – well, it went to our heads and we decided to get another. And another. And so it went on, until there were only crumbs. This took some time, of course, and the cheesecakes sustained us while we pursued many space adventures – though not the kind where we sent vampires spinning into the void. Unfortunately.

(Front door opens. In walks Paul scratching his head, a woman trailing close behind.)

Diane- You brought Paul?

Paul- (Sniffs air and walks straight for the cheesecake.) Do my nostrils deceive me, or is that a Double-dense, Triple-layered, Extra-creamy, Dairy Chocolate Cheesecake topped with, with. . .strawberries? I haven’t seen one of those since Grace polished the last one off last week. (Nods at Diane without taking his eyes off the cake).

Hey Diane, did you bake this? Say, this looks very nice. You’ve used a thick base just the way Ronell makes it. You’ve met my wife? No? Diane, Ronell. Ronell, Diane.

Diane- I did. Used heavy cream.Uh, nice to meet you, Ronell. Do you think he is safe? His button has already popped off of his britches.

Ronell- (Holds hand up and whispers.) Don’t worry, Di. I’ve sewed elastic on each side. He has a few inches of room left.

Grace- Ronell ought to be sainted. Not only does she accommodate the cheesecake, but she lets Paul use his spare time on writing. Bravo, I say.

Paul- (Paul leans closer to the cake, his eyes sparkling. Then, as if remembering himself, he stands to attention.) No! We need this for ammunition. What if the. . .(gulp). . .AZVA’s attack again?

Ronell- I don’t think Diane knows what AZVA’s are, Sweetie.

Paul- Yes, sorry Darling. They’re Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronauts. The only way to stop them is cheesecake. We tried all the usual methods. Normally we use stakes on vampires, a few bars of Verdi on zombies (it makes their heads explode), and we have found that a single shot from a bullet tipped with a computer chip is usually enough to kill anything wearing a bonnet, but none of these work on (shudder) the AZVA’s. Only cheesecakes can take destroy those fiendish creatures. And now with Grace eating them all, we’re out of ammo.

Grace- I ate them all?

Paul- Hah! So you admit it?

Grace- You ate far more than me.

Paul- I never did! (Sticks out tongue.)

Grace- I had maybe twenty. (Throws an L to her forehead.)

Diane- Don’t make me take you two to the woodshed. Calm down.

Paul- (Ignores the warning)You had far more than that!

Grace- Didn’t!

Paul- Did!

Grace- Didn’t!

Paul- Did!

Grace- Didn’t!

Paul- (Turns to Ronell.) Honey, who had the most cheesecake?

Ronell- You know you’ve got a weakness, Sweetie. You did eat most of them.

Paul- (Crosses arms and sticks out a quivering lip.) You’re just taking her side because you’re a woman. Girls always stick together. Well, if you’re going to be like that, I’m going to have the last one. (Grabs the cheesecake and holds it up.) Hahaa! It’s mine, all mine! Mwahahahahaa!

Grace- (Lunges for the cake.) I don’t think so.

Diane- That’s enough! (Lets go of string. The anvil swings.)


Paul- Oh! (The look on his face seems to say stars.)

Grace- (Jumps behind the chair) Oho, you thought I wouldn’t be ready for that? I brought my trusty Dimensional Vaccilator along, right here in my pocket…
(Pulls out what looks like a small water-gun, and shoots a beam of colored light at the anvil while it is still swinging. Rings of light burst from the anvil and it vanishes along with the rest of the room. We are now seated in what appears to be a small spaceship…)

Diane- Really? Now look what you’ve done.

Paul- I see ponies and rainbows.

Grace- (Shakes gun by ear.) Dang, it did it again! Instead of transporting the anvil to another dimension, it transported us! Erm – Must be the tinfoil wrapping on the house – that could have reversed the polarity of the dimensional transfer waves!

(Two figures in the command chairs spin around at the outburst, silhouetted against stars. A third person is snoring somewhere nearby.)

Mario- How the blimmo did anyone get in here?
Caitlin- It doesn’t matter now.  They better not be Baxters.
Mario- No, I’m sure Hans stopped any of them from getting on board as we left.
Caitlin- Well then, is this some weird thing the Voice is doing? Just like him.
Mario- We could always just ask them. (turns) So, what exactly are you doing in our ship?

Grace- Long story. I’m sorry, we’re a little confused. Would you mind telling us where we are?

Caitlin- (Points in both directions) Not sure exactly, but the planet Viva is that way and we’re headed for Sancta. (Looks Grace up and down) Say, don’t I know you? You seem awfully familiar.

Grace- (Aside to Diane and Paul) They mustn’t find out! It could cause a trans-dimensional meta-fictional paradoxical vortex and trap us here forever! (To Caitlin) Oh, we’re just travelers like yourselves. Servants of the King, at your service. Or the Voice, if you prefer to call him that.

Mario- (to Caitlin) Scuzz, this is weirding me out. There’s no one except us who knows the Voice is the King. Except the King.

Grace- (Eyes dart from Diane to Paul) We brought you a cheesecake. (Motions to Paul) Bring it over here, Paul.

(Paul shuffles over, still dazed. Grace and Diane pry the plate from unyielding fingers.  Mario wastes no time shoving a piece down his gob. Caitlin takes some too, more cautiously. A tear tracks down Paul’s cheek.)

Mario- (licks fingers) Wow, this is the best cheesecake I ever ate! Actually, it may be the only cheesecake I ever ate. Who made this?

Grace- It was Diane, of course. Hey, Di, I believe you’ve been wanting to meet Mario and Caitlin. You must have some questions for them.

Diane- It truly is an honor. Grace, Paul and I travel to give you warning of possible dangers ahead. You must be on the lookout for anyone that sparkles. Guard your minds from those that would rob you of wisdom. (Reaches into pocket and retrieves two foil hats.) Don’t worry, you will still have ears to hear what you must. If you see a craft that resembles a barn, get away fast.

We don’t have much time, but I simply must ask you before we go how the tubes of Monday compare to the tubes of Viva?

Mario- (gulps cheesecake) No comparison. None at all. On the planet Monday you’re in this almost skin-tight one-man pod getting shunted around in the pitch dark, until it spits you out and you fall a few metres to the ground. On Viva the pods are larger and you get to sit down and see where you’re going, never mind the fact that they have doors you use for climbing in and out.

Caitlin- I was so afraid to get in the Viva pod at first, because it reminded me of the Monday one. I guess they work in a similar way – it’s all just suction, but used very differently. The worst thing about the Monday ones is that when they came to take you for a mindwipe, they strapped you in as well.

(Grace nods, enthralled)

Caitlin- You act like you know all about that. Are you sure you’re not from Monday?

Grace- Quite sure. But I heard all about it from, em, the Vivan Elders. Yes, that’s right. Horrible things, those involuntary transports on Monday.

Mario- Can’t say the last one was a total disaster – it got us here, with the help of the Voice.

Caitlin- It ended well. But it was no less terrifying at the time. Can you imagine being strapped down and sucked up a black tube all the way into orbit? (Shudders)

Diane- Thank you for sharing with us, Mario and Caitlin. And remember to lookout for those signs of danger. I would love to stay longer but I have cheesecake in the oven and Paul’s wife is probably worried about us.

(Pulls earrings out. Throws them and dots Mario and Caitlin both in the forehead. Their bodies slump to the ground.)

(Click! A whirl of colored light swallows the whole ship. Outlines of Diane’s living room reappear. Ronell squints through the dimensional vortex.)

Grace- (Spins gun and slips it into its holster.) Thanks for getting us out of there, Diane, even if it was a bit too soon for my liking. I’m sorry you’re going to need new earrings. Did you get all that extra baking done? We should probably load up the ammunition and head back to the zone, fighting the good fight and all that.

(Stands and places hand on heart.)

As long as there remains even one Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronaut to strike terror into the hearts of readers everywhere, as long as we have strength in our hands and sharpness of mind—

Paul- As long as you don’t eat all the cheesecake—

Grace- Oi! That’s not in the Space Ace Creed!

Diane- Sounds like it should be, with you two on the job.

Grace- Ahem. May I finish now? Thank you. (Strikes the pose again.) As long as there is bad literature, we shall fight against it until we make our final splashdown.

Paul- (Stands and strikes the same pose as Grace.) Yes, as long as there is cheesecake in the world, we vow to eat it. . .erm, I mean use it to do all those things Grace said. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and taste it. . .ahem, I mean load it into the blaster. (Holds hand up) No, I insist. It won’t take me long. You guys stay here and finish your chat. There’s no reason for anyone else to have. . .(cough), I mean load the cheesecake.

Ronell- I’ll go with you, Sweetie. I need to put some ice on your forehead. That’s what you get for trying to take the cake. I’ve warned you about not sharing.

Paul- (Pouts. Light bulb idea strikes.) What’s that? (Points to window.) Is that a buggy driven by a sparkling bonnet-wearing zombie?

(Diane, Grace and Ronell look out the window. Nothing. When they turn back, Paul is gone. footsteps echo down the hall.)

Ronell-I’ll go keep an eye on him, Grace. Nice meeting you Diane.

Diane- (Giggle.) Well, I don’t think a hundred cheesecakes are enough. I guess I should go ahead and start making a hundred more. I can send them by way of Anvil-Gram.

It has been an adventure having you at the mountain, Ace. I know my readers will be thankful for the warning about AZVA’s. Can never be too careful, huh?They will most definitely feel a little safer with you and Paul on the job.  Before you go, is there anything you would like to share with the readers of NAF?

Grace- What a fun wee tiki tour. Thanks for having us, Di, you’re beaut and brilliant and orsum and all that. What a dag, huh? Today will go down in history as being chocka(full) with crash-hot, hard-case, low-flying, Kiwi( Slang for a person born in New Zealand.) It was hard yakka(work), but never let it be said we did anything half-pie. Or cheesecake for that matter. You’ve given food for thought and ammunition to wrap our laughing gear around. All that to remind you that I’m really an alien from the planet Aotearoa, which may account for one thing and another. Next time, I’ll bring you a pavlova.

Diane- Excellent! And don’t worry about the earrings, Ace. (Reaches into crazy hair. Metallic glint.) I have more. (Wink.)

Well friends, we find ourselves at the end of silly. I would like to extend a big thank you to Grace and Paul for playing along with Anvil tomfoolery. Make no mistake, our sides are sore from laughing. Hope yours are as well. Please enter the drawing for Legendary Space Pilgrims, come back next Wednesday to see if you are a winner, and share the Anvil goodness with your friends.

Peace, love and God’s will.

Link Love

Grace “ACE” Bridges

Grace Bridges-Website

Grace Bridges-Facebook

Grace Bridges-Blog

Splashdown Books

Splashdown-Facebook

Amazon

Paul “ACE” Baines (that’s what the A stands for)

P.A. Baines-Website

P.A. Baines- Facebook

P.A. Baines- Blog

P.A. Baines- NAF

About Diane Graham

Diane Graham lives in the mountains of eastern Oklahoma with her husband, children and many dogs. She is an avid reader and lover of all art forms that encapsulate imagination and goodness. Her debut novel I Am Ocilla was released in March 2012.

24 comments on “Anvil Interview- Grace Bridges

  1. My Dearest Youngest Daughter,

    What a fun bunch of silliness, Thanks for letting us come a long for the ride. Good Times!

  2. If this interview happens in the future, does it mean I haven’t actually read it yet?

    And love the earring weaponry….:D

    Most cool, my dear ones.

  3. P.S.

    Tell Paul it’s time to go ni-night. LOL Get your anvil dust out Di and give him a good sprinkling. Happy cheesecake dreams!!!!

  4. LOL. What a fun amount of silliness! Thanks for the writing-break laugh. 😀

  5. Considering who’s involved, I doubt very much this is the end of silly. The end of this round, perhaps…

  6. My Dearest Ace,

    I’m going to have to send you to a weapon certification class. LOL!

  7. It took me a little while to realize the significance of the “Amish-Vampire-Zombie-Astronauts”, but I now feel like I must join my comrades in arms and fight the good fight to rid the world of this menace.

    • AZVA’s are a threat to everything we hold dear. Arm yourself, my sister. Cheesecake, anvil and God-speed. 😛
      That’s one entry. 😀

  8. That was hilarious Grace. I dance a little when I type too, which is why I had to stop listening to KJ-52 while typing because I couldn’t clap and type at the same time.

  9. Fun! Thanks for the ride, food, and laughs.

  10. Hmm, wonder how cheesecake would go with a Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster? Oh, well, probably just get the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, & Explosives somewhat restive. Back to the Diet Dr Pepper.

  11. I think the cable you used for my time-paradoxical dimensional cranial transfer was faulty, my transfer was just now completed. I love your interviews, sis!

  12. I’d like to be included in the draw, if I may. I am not on Facebook though, but will include a brief blurb w/ link on my blog.

  13. That is two more entries, Eve. Thanks for sharing on your blog. 😀

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