Welcome to the middle of an isolated FBI warehouse.
This is New Author Fellowship blog’s interviewer David James as I sit here waiting for two of Seattle’s newest superheroes to show up and be interviewed. This is the only location they both could agree on, and the FBI has assured us that there will be absolutely no problems from criminals showing up and intruding on our interview. Indeed, the only person I have seen so far has been a janitor.
Any minute now we should have our first hero show up. I’m really excited about this and wondering what he will do for an entra…
(A swooshing sound fills the warehouse. Through an open window, a jet packed superhero in gleaming costume flies through the window and lowers himself down into the steel chair waiting for him. He turns his jet pack off and flashes a thumbs up sign.)
New Authors Fellowship: Welcome Powerhouse! It’s not that often that I get to interview a superhero. In fact, I don’t think I ever have.
Powerhouse: Well you never know with all those secret identities out there, you never know you just may have. If you ever interviewed a garbage collector, a billionaire playboy, a reporter, a photographer or just about anyone, they may have been a superhero!
NAF: Of course, and I even saw a janitor around here a moment ago. Wouldn’t it be funny if the janitor was a superhero, kind of like Hong Kong Phooey?
PH: Yes, but he looks far too handsome to be Hong Kong Phooey.
NAF: Sure, but I don’t think I want to go there. Tell me, Powerhouse, what caused you to become a superhero? Did you see your parents get killed at an early age? Did you have an accident with radiation? Or was there another reason?
NAF: Take your time.
PH: Well to tell you my reason would reveal my secret identity, or would at least give you a really big clue, and that would be cheating. How about why does a man climb a mountain? Cause he’s got an alien symbiote that’s why.
NAF: Well, I don’t think everyone that climbs a mountain has an alien symbiote. Usually, it’s just because the mountain is there.
PH: I can see you haven’t talked to many mountain climbers. Regardless, whether it’s there, or there’s an alien symbiote, you’re still climbing the mountain.
NAF: Of course, and my friend Diane knows about mountains. Perhaps she has a symbiote? 😉 So, since you mention a symbiote, is that something that you have then to cause you to be a superhero? The symbiotes I’m familiar with have usually turned people into villains like with Venom and Carnage of the Spider-Man lore.
PH: Well, mine is a different model. There’s were innately evil. Mine is kind of like a genie, but not blue or voiced by Robin Williams. (a pause) Zolgron, what do you mean I used the wrong “Theirs”? Oh, I guess I meant “Theirs”. Since the symbiote absorbed the Internet, it comes with spellcheck.
NAF: Of course. Now how about you tell us about your fight with Night Lord. How did that get started?
PH: Well, Night Lord is a drug dealer with a really cool logo. He was trying to have his punks kill a pastor and I, Powerhouse, stepped in.
NAF: Were you successful then? The pastor survived?
PH: Well, that’s kind of a sore point.
NAF: Oh, my. How so?
PH: Well, because the pastor didn’t survive. I was off saving the city from a mad man when someone killed him. But I resolved to carry on the Reverend’s work and make sure Night Lord didn’t win.
NAF: Ouch! That’s not good. So it was Night Lord that killed him?
PH: Police don’t know, but I guess it was probably Night Lord. Though, it was weird, it happened in the middle of afternoon. Maybe, it was Tea Time Lord or something. They might work together.
NAF: Maybe so. Hey, are you up for a team-up? I understand the Emerald Avenger is on his way here and I’d love to interview you two heroes together to see what kind of dynamic you would have.
PH: *clears throat* I have an emergency I must attend to.
NAF: Oh, okay. I hope you guys aren’t at odds with each other.
PH: No, not that. There’s a-uh-DVD, I need to get back to the RedBox machine or some poor soul will owe another $1.00 on a movie he’s already seen.
NAF: Well, I know how that goes.
PH: I must prevent this injustice!
NAF: I hope you’re successful in your Redbox mission.
PH: Powerhouse Away!
NAF: And he’s away. Okay, while we wait for the Emerald Avenger, let’s see what this janitor over here thinks of these heroes. Hello? Yes, you. Can you come over here for a bit?
The Janitor: I’m sweeping the floor again, but sure.
NAF: It’s okay, you probably need a break anyway.
The Janitor: You know I don’t know how you got Agent Polk to let you do this interview in a FBI warehouse in the middle of the nowhere.
NAF: Well, it took some doing, but it was the only place both heroes seemed to feel safe at for some reason. I keep thinking they must know someone that works here. So, tell us your name and what do you think of all these superheroes suddenly popping on the scene and two right here in this city?
The Janitor: My name is Dave Johnson. I’m a big superhero fan from long back. So it’s totally cool to see superheroes cleaning up the street. Particularly, the Emerald Avenger. He’s gonna wash the streets of all the filth, like a big giant streetsweeper.
NAF: So you prefer the Emerald Avenger to Powerhouse then?
Dave Johnson: Well, traditionally, I’ve liked heroes like Powerhouse, in terms of the golden age like Superman. But you just can’t be kind and a boy scout in this world. The only way you ever get anything done is by banging heads together, and that’s what it’s going to take to destroy the forces of evil in Seattle.
NAF: I see. So are you someone that has kept up with superheroes over time then? So much fiction now becoming reality. How into superheroes are you?
DJ: I own every Superhero DVD known to mankind, I’ve been to three comic cons, and have a comic book collection of 12,000 issues. I’ve got superhero t-shirts, superhero pajamas, superhero underwear, superhero wash cloths, superhero beer steins, superhero lunchboxes, superhero coasters, superhero cups, and superhero trading cards.
NAF: Do you live in the basement at your mother’s place a lonely single man then?
DJ: Oh no, I’m married with two kids. I have an 11-year old and a 9-year old. My wife works for a bank. I think she sells mortgages.
NAF: You think? Shouldn’t you know what your wife does?
DJ: She doesn’t talk about it. She leaves for work at 7, and gets home about 4:30. I get home at 1 in the morning, and leave about 4:45. So we don’t talk much. She could be selling-what else do banks sell? Oh, Insurance or Stocks. Yeah, thanks, Zo-uh memory.
NAF: Ah, yes, the problem with two income families is that so often the two spouses don’t see each other. I suppose you and your two kids have a lot of fun though. I presume you’ve “educated” them on superheroes. 🙂
DJ: Oh yes, well the younger one likes Superheroes. The eleven year old doesn’t think much of me. But other fathers have told me that kids are like that, although James is a little younger than most. So, maybe he’ll get over it younger. 🙂 Yes, I will have the most respectful 17 year-old of any father in our town.
NAF: Ah, that’s good. You mentioned one of your kid’s name. Are they both boys then?
DJ: Yes, my youngest is Derrick. I got a picture in my back wallet. You want to see one? I’ve got one of James not being angry, sarcastic, or disrespectful. All I had to do was wait until he was asleep.
NAF: Oh, yes. Nice pictures indeed. Is that your wife with Derrick there in the business suit?
DJ: Yes. She’s very professional all the time.
NAF: I see. So what does she think about your hobby? Is she into that too when she’s not at work and being professional so much?
DJ: She’s been getting on to me about the hobby. She never stops being professional. She’ll say things like, “An Assistant Vice-President wouldn’t do that.”
NAF: Maybe she’s just not into it then. What is she into? Do you get into the things she likes to do on her time off?
DJ: Naomi has a Masters Degree in French History. Her idea of a good time is reading a really brainy book in our room. She also likes to get her nails done, and she collects jewelry that looks really expensive, but I’m sure she got a good deal on. It’s kind of hard to share those. But anyway, I’ve got to get back to work.
NAF: Okay, sure, I appreciate you sharing your time with us and I know my readers will find this amus– er, interesting. One last question – just to try to actually stay on topic for a change – what does your two boys think of the superheroes that have now appeared in real life?
DJ: They haven’t said much, though James thinks Powerhouse was dumb, but he tends to think everything is dumb.
NAF: I see. Well, thanks again, and I guess you can now get back to fighting with those vile cleansing instruments, eh?
NAF: Okay, well that was Dave Johnson, janitor here at the FBI warehouse as he revealed, and we’re still sitting here waiting around for the Emerald Avenger.
(Smoke fills the room and then dissipates, and a large floating metal craft stands in the middle of the warehouse.)
Booming, spooky voice as a figure appears from the craft: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. The copyright lawyer knows. Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!!
NAF: Ah, I see. So, do I call you Mr. Emerald? Mr. Avenger? EA? Or Emerald Avenger in full longhand?
Emerald Avenger: You may call me the Dark Spirit of Justice and though you can’t see them, I assure you my hands really aren’t all that long.
NAF: Ah, of course.
Dark Spirit of Justice: Though, for simplicity, you can call me Avenger, but not Mr. Avenger. Makes it sound like a Superhero beauty contest.
NAF: Well, Dark Spirit of Justice, you’ve come on the scene fairly recently after Powerhouse did, have the two of you teamed up yet? Or are you at odds with each other? He left pretty quickly when I mentioned you.
Avenger: I wouldn’t say we are at odds. I’ve not fought him. He’s not fought me. However, I would say we probably won’t be teaming up. His has his ineffective style and I have mine.
NAF: Ah, so you feel your style is superior. Yet he flies without a craft, and you have this thing here….what do you call it?
Green Avenger: I call it the Avenging Eagle. A lightweight craft capable of flying at great speeds and stealth. It has a full array of guns on the front as well as a whip which is handy for grabbing criminals by the leg and holding them upside down until they tell what they know.
NAF: Wow. So how did you come across this? Did you invent it yourself, or did one of the other superheroes I’ve heard about in the other cities help you design it?
Emerald Guy: I drew the plans and then I-er-built it in my subterranean lair.
NAF: I see. So you recently fought against those you called “The Corruptibles” and won. Care to share what that was like and what it was about?
Dark Spirit: Sure, I’d be happy too…Oh wait, hold on…Well, I guess you do have a point…Yeah, that would kind of mess things up…I’m sorry, my-uh-lawyer says I can’t talk about the details, but I will say it involved police corruption and that thanks to me the city police department is a little more clean.
NAF: (Looks around) Your lawyer? I don’t see anyone present. Are you using a bluetooth? Is your lawyer in hiding from these corrupt police officers?
Dark Green: Yes, a blue tooth. It’s a dental deformity, but it comes in handy. Yes, he’s hiding out. He’s under deep cover, but I’m sure that no one but me will see him.
NAF: Um, dental deformity huh? Right. Well, in either case, I didn’t know you would be having someone listening in on our interview. Not that it matters, you just should have told me ahead of time. (Looks around again) There was a janitor here earlier I was talking with that seemed to like you better than Powerhouse, but he doesn’t seem to be here now. He wouldn’t be your lawyer now, would he? 😉 So tell us a bit more about what makes you superior to Powerhouse.
Dork Spirit of Justice: Criminals fear me. They just laughed at Powerhouse. Sure, there are a lot of people who don’t like me, but it’s better to be liked than feared, right? Particularly in crimefighting. I’m one of those gritty tough, no nonsense, take no prisoners, beat them up, and shoot them up…but only with rubber bullets superheroes. I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt. Well, at least not too much.
NAF: Did you mean it’s better to be feared than liked? You seem to enjoy being feared instead of liked, so I wanted to make sure.
DSJ: Yeah, that’s what I mean. The Dark Spirit of Justice is not conflicted at all on that. Nope, not at all.
NAF: All right, just making sure. Now, Powerhouse was fighting against the mob as we saw in the news. Are you doing the same? Is that what the police corruption was about?
DSJ: Yes, it was about the mobs, the Ross gang and his right hand man, Marcos.
NAF: Ah, yes, Marcos. I’ve heard he can be dangerous, so we won’t talk further on him. I know that you probably need to go back to fighting crime, so is there any last bit of info or last words of heroism for our readers today before you leave?
DSJ: Sure, if you’re out there and you’re evil, I’ll find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not a week from next Tuesday, but I will find you and will reap my awesome vengeance upon you and your knees will quiver in absolute fear. But other than that, have a nice day.
NAF: Okay, well thank you Dark Spirit of Justice, the Emerald Avenger. We’ll keep you in our thoughts and prayers as you fight crime in the city.
(Smoke bomb and the Avenging Eagle disappears.)
Wow, folks! There you have it! Two of Seattle’s new superheroes and one “man on the street” opinion piece from the janitor that works here. Just rest assured that if you ever come to Seattle you will find safer streets because of Powerhouse and the Emerald Avenger!
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My dearest Teddy Bear,
My brothers were the comic book nerds in our fam, and I wasn’t allowed to touch their comics, but I think I could still enjoy this book. Thanks for agreeing to the interview, Powerhouse and Emerald Avenger.
Funny and fun. Great job!
Yeah, anyone who grew up on Saturday morning superheros, after school superheros, Lois & Clark, and superhero movies should get the laugh lines in this book. 🙂 If someone wants to buy the movie rights, I’d suggest, Superhero Movie for the theatrical release’s title. 🙂