22 Comments

A Weird Life

Robynn Tolbert went to be with the Lord Sunday, March 20, 2011 on the vernal equinox.

“I know she would be happy,” her self-professed best friend sobbed. “It was her favorite day of the year.”

“It was the weirdest thing,” said an anonymous bystander. “I mean, who drives a bike into a parked bus?  That…just doesn’t happen.”

Robynn died of severe blood loss from pinched fingers.

“She had poor circulation,” a co-worker confirmed. “She bruised like a peach. I hit her on the arm once with a piece of paper and she showed me this purple welt half an hour later. Just weird.”

Robynn wanted to live to be 111 years old.

“Because Bilbo Baggins was 111 at the start of The Fellowship of the Ring,” another friend said. “She talked about it all the time. She was weird like that.”

“Oh, she was weird,” her older niece confirmed. “And kinda mean. Not all the time, but sometimes, if I wanted something and she’d say ‘I’m not made of money.’ But she didn’t yell at me a lot, and she listened most of the time. Especially when I said something she wasn’t supposed to hear. She laughed really loud at the dumbest stuff. It was totally embarrassing to go to theaters with her. But my friends liked her, so I guess she was okay. I mean, I love her and everything. Are you writing this down?”

When asked if she had anything to add to her elder sister’s statement, the younger niece said “nope.”

Memorial services will be held at First Southern Baptist Church, where, upon request of the deceased,  Conan the Destroyer will be shown after the memorial service. The casket will be removed to Annie Lennox singing Into the West from The Return of the King.

“She was so funny,” her dear friend said, fighting tears and wringing a tissue. “She was always quoting movies and that TV show Friends. She loved that show. But she could be really serious, too, and she knew how to be sad. She didn’t make you feel stupid or embarrassed for crying. Well, except that one time, but that was funny. She always said she had to go for the funny. Yeah, she was weird, but in a good way. A good weird.”

“She was an odd duck,” another co-worked said. “A nice gal. Always laughed at my jokes, but an odd duck.”

“Sure she was weird,” one of her brothers confirmed. “Who picks a turtle for a brand? She was a freaking squirrel.”

Robynn is survived by six cats and a dog. She is preceded in death by ten cats, six dogs, six ferrets, four fish and one rabbit. According to a reliable source, she believed firmly she would be reunited with all of them in heaven, although she admitted to no idea whether they would enjoy city life and mentioned the hope of a country house on the new earth instead.

She leaves behind two unpublished books and numerous unfinished manuscripts. Her last words, as far as anyone can tell, were a text to a friend. Can’t think of anything to write about for NAF. Maybe a bike ride will clear my head. All the words were spelled correctly.

Yes, she was weird.

(By the way, Robynn is just fine at the publishing of this post, and will likely remain so until the persons not actually interviewed for this false news story recognize themselves and kill her. Probably with spoons.)

About Robynn Tolbert

Born in Kansas and born again at age six, Robynn has published two novels and started her third. Robynn, aka Ranunculus Turtle, lives in Kansas with a clowder of cats, a patient dog and a garden.

22 comments on “A Weird Life

  1. Oh, don’t do that to me! Good gravy! You really had me going for a moment there before I caught on. 😈

  2. 😆 Thanks, I needed that laugh this morning!!

  3. You are such a turkey turtle! ahahahaha! LOVED IT, in a weird way

  4. She read this to me yesterday, after which I informed her NO mother should have to read her child’s obit funny or not. I left her laughing. She is unique, not weird, and always has been. ALL my children are Huge blessings to me, I constantly thank God for allowing me the privilege of raising them.

    • One of those sentences should have the qualifier “maniacally” added to it. I’ll leave which one up to you all.

      • I found 12 instances in which the word “maniacally” could be added to the sentence and have put them in there as follows:

        She maniacally read this to me yesterday, after which I maniacally informed her NO mother should have to maniacally read her child’s maniacally obit funny or not. I maniacally left her maniacally laughing. She is maniacally unique, not maniacally weird, and always has maniacally been. ALL my children are maniacally Huge blessings to me, I constantly thank God maniacally for allowing me the privilege of maniacally raising them.

        Which one is the correct spot? 😉 😈

        (and 12 is apropos with 12 tribes and 12 disciples 😉 )

  5. My Dearest Turtle,

    Just the thing we needed. A break from all the serious stuff. Now put the ring back in your pocket and let’s get on with this 111th!! LOL

  6. Why a spoon, Cousin? Because it’s dull, you twit, it’ll hurt more!
    Conan the Destroyer at the funeral. LOL Very funny.

  7. Turtle, Turtle, Turtle…Oh how you made us snort. 😛

  8. I read the first sentence and my heart about dropped. “I’m just getting to know her!”

    Then I read on and rolled my eyes. Thanks for the laugh this morning!

  9. Best. Post. Ever.

    I think I hurt something laughing…..

  10. I know I’m late to the party, but I got a huge laugh out of the Conan the Destroyer line as well as the Into to the West follow up. Fun stuff. 🙂

  11. Crumbs, woman! This is nutty. Whoever said genius goes with insanity… was right.

  12. You may have turned obituary journalism on it’s collective head with this one, Turtle. 😉
    Bull’s Eye!
    *wiping spewed coffee off the keyboard*

  13. I’m gratified my false death is so amusing to all you folks. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

    *evil grin*

    Kinda makes me glad I didn’t mention I want my casket brought in to Pachelbel’s Canon in D.

  14. Cute and definitely quirky.

    Read it to my Husband and after a laugh he declared that writers are a bunch of nuts. He says that alot lately.

    When Covey decided to ask people to write such things, I really don’t think he anticipated such weird ducks.

    However, the EMTs with the Ambulance to respond to the accident should be fired for incompetence if they let someone die of blood loss from such injuries. Hate for my life to be left in their hands.

  15. I’m not sure Pachelbel would get you inducted into the Nerd Hall of Fame the way a “Lord of the Rings” soundtrack and a Conan movie at your funeral would.

    Have fun storming the castle! 🙂

  16. That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time! I started listening to Hitchhiker’s this morning, and your post was much funnier. Thanks for the chuckles.

    I must be weird as well because my favourite bit was “wringing a tissue”.

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