Traffic Tips – or – Going backwards while thinking you’re going forwards – or – Pick a lane already!!



(Sort of in an Andy Rooney mood for this one)

My dad has driven all over this country in one way or another for just about his entire life. As such, he’s seen traffic in just about every state and observed quirks that are true for some states and not true for others. But no matter what state he’s in, he’s got a philosophy:

When you’re traveling a considerable distance, even if it’s no more than just a few exits, just pick a lane and stay in it! Then once you get close to the exit you need, switch over to that lane and get off the highway.

And it’s true.

Let me ask you, have you ever actually watched people driving in traffic while you drive down the road yourself?

I’ve noticed that if anyone doubts that there is a God, just consider how many more deaths we could be having from the way people drive in traffic.

Weaving in and out, switching lane to lane, back to the lane they started from and continuing on to that lane they don’t touch except for this one time.

And they do this while passing up one juicy exit ramp after another.

Don’t these people know how to get off the highway?

I mean, it’s like they don’t know what they’re doing or something. Maybe the only thing for sure they know that they’re doing is moving forward.

And are we sure that they even know that?

God help us all if all the people that think they’re going backwards suddenly realize at the same time that they’re all going forward and try to adjust themselves right then and there.

Not the time to come to a “Global Awakening” if you ask me.

And you got these people that like to look at everybody.

Ever find yourself looking eyeball to eyeball with the most hideous of faces just because you thought to check your left rear view mirror and peep over your shoulder after that?

You know what I mean.

There’s always someone out there more concerned with the business of everyone else than the business of driving down a major highway at 65 miles an hour or greater so they got to look at you with their scrunched up nose holding up their big framed glasses and an open mouth grimace that looks like it came from the horror factory.

Maybe they caught you scratching an itch or something.

Keep your eyes on the road! Remember that rule, rubberneck?

Then you got these people that not only talk on the phone, but are actually holding it in one hand while steering the wheel with the other hand. Them and the ones that eat while driving. Some do both. What will happen if they need to swerve all of a sudden? I’ve heard of flip phones, but this would be where the phone made something else flip. And what if the reason they swerved was because they made the mistake of looking to their left and seeing that hideous face?

Then you got the big rigs. You know, those guys that like to speed up, so you got to get out of their way, but if they’re in front of you, then they got to slow down? And you’re always unsure when driving beside them to pass them because heck, they might fall on you – after all, the driver must be talking on the cell phone – or have a tire shooting at your windshield or something. And with that speed up and slow down they do, you’d think they’d finally install some cruise control on those suckers already so that they can be more consistent with things, you know? At least until they’re about near their exit anyway.

Then you got your group of young people. You know who I’m talking about. Even when I was that age I couldn’t stand them.

Bunch of self-righteous stuck up pricks that think they know everything about life just because they got a license to drive.

They get in a car and they turn it into their personal jukebox. You can hear it when they pass you, and they usually will find some reason to point and laugh at you just because they can.

They’re the ones that you hope get involved with the following: A big rig almost falls down causing the person with the cell phone to swerve out of the way narrowly missing the person with the funny face that wants to look at everybody because they slowed down to avoid the person on the cell phone but wind up getting rear ended by the young pricks that think they know it all but didn’t know how to drive on the highway yet. The only ones really in trouble then are the prick kids. Unless the one with the funny face was too cheap to buy good enough insurance.

Then you got the police that patrol the highway.

What is it with them that they like to just get behind people for? They’ll be traveling in the other lane and you think they’re about to pass you, when BAM! they’re right behind you and follow you for a good couple of minutes making you nervous as Hell wondering WTF you did wrong to attract their attention, and then WHAM! they’re back in the other lane to go do it to someone else.

Those guys need to be pulling over the jerk kids and the ones yapping on their cell phones as far as I’m concerned. Then when the big rig almost falls down, the only person around is the one with the crazy face that can then call it in.

Of course, the cops won’t come right away.

They’re too busy following people that are obeying the rules of the road and not doing dumb things to distract themselves from driving.

Maybe I should just suddenly realize I’m not going backwards after all and see what the cop thinks about that.

About David James

David James is a man of many attributes: He's a believer in Jesus as the Christ. He's a family man with a wife and two children. He's an entrepreneur with a fledgling business called Beyond the Charts, an Independent Marketer with Manna From Heaven, a writer of both speculative fiction and some spiritual matters. He's a listener of heavy metal with techno, goth, and industrial sounds preferred. He doesn't listen to "Christian radio" and can't stand most "Praise and Worship" music because it comes across so staged and more for entertainment than worship, but he loves the worship coming out of MorningStar Ministries because of the raw intensity of it. He loves scary movies whether it's a creepy ghost story or an intense slasher film, as well as strange humor films, and just loves the spoof films that have come out over the past decade. He thinks Kevin Smith films are very funny, but doesn't care for it when they speak bad of Jesus. His favorite novelist of all time is Stephen King. His favorite sci-fi novelist is Kevin J. Anderson. Other novelists he enjoys are too numerous to mention here. For Spiritual reading he turns to Billy Graham, Mike Murdock, Rick Joyner, John Bunyan, Ellen White, Herbert Armstrong, Martin Zender, and R.A. Torrey. He enjoys financial and self-help books ranging from Dale Carnegie to Zig Ziglar to Donald Trump to Robert Kiyosaki. The one thing that irritates him is when people don't show respect, yet want respect from those they don't show it to.

4 comments on “Traffic Tips – or – Going backwards while thinking you’re going forwards – or – Pick a lane already!!

  1. I pass three car lots on my way to work, and every guy slows down to rubberneck at the parked cars. I’m not kidding. I haven’t seen one man just keep going the speed limit and ignore the cars for sale.

    And the cop is running your license plate checking for warrants. Good thing you’re clean. 🙂

    • Yeah, the only other problem with that cop behind me is when he does decide to pull me over for some dumb technicality unique to the State of Georgia law and then give a verbal warning once it’s all over with. Considering the number of actual dangerous drivers out there I wish they’d leave us alone that may indeed be going one mile below the Speed Limit in the left lane and just go after that guy doing 10 to 20 miles over the speed limit and weaving in and out of traffic in all lanes as if it’s some sort of obstacle course. If it wasn’t for dumb things like that, maybe I wouldn’t get so concerned when a cop pulls up behind me because almost anywhere else I wouldn’t be dealing with such nonsense.

  2. Add to that the immense number of tourists in Florida who have no idea where they’re going–on the poorly planned roads, I might add.

    As for truckers–I used to drive a little Toyota Tercel and had to take the interstate to work. Part of my reason for quitting that job was the drive. Not a day when by that I didn’t end up looking in my rear-view mirror and seeing it filled with JUST the grill of a semi because it was right on my tail. That scared me, knowing if I hit the brakes I’d be like an insect hitting the windshield.

    • Having lived down your way near Tampa Bay I know exactly what you mean. I drove a cab for a while down there and the truck drivers were just the rudest with their tailgating even to a cabbie. That was the only job I ever did where I actually did any driving. I didn’t even own a car when I was down there, just took public transportation wherever I needed to go.

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