Welcome back today for the much anticipated interview with HardCandy and Sandfly. In order to bring you this feed, I had to be altered to receive. What do I mean by that? Teardrop implant. Had a hard time getting through my crazy hair. The normal gel used to remove it didn’t work. Ended up shaving my head. Mysteriously my hair has grown back–maybe crazier than before.
Time is of the essence. Some of the things you are about to read may shock you. Strike that. They will shock me. My hair has acted somewhat as a dampener to the jolt. I will survive. What I am about to reveal will turn the world on its anvil.
Kerry tried, but it may be too late for our friend. I fear he may have become an Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronaut. Last transmission I received, Kerry had grown a beard without a mustache. He kept saying, “Brains!” as his skin sparkled like diamonds in the sun. And yes, the poor guy was doing the moon-walk while raising a barn.
How? Well let’s see what HardCandy and Sandfly have to say.
Diane - Thank you both for joining me from deep space. I know you had to come out of simulated chute sleep to connect with me. Reports have seemed a bit speculative in nature. Please tell me what you have heard through the stream about our friend Kerry. I’ve not been able to get through to him.
Sandfly- I don’t think that answers the question, Hard. She wants to know his ident, his rep. Facts are, we don’t. Hundreds of years separate us, Diane. Lot can happen in that time. Lots of cycles. Lots of change.
Diane- Okay, I’m going to cut to the chase. Reports have come to my attention that one Jeff Gerke’s head has been frozen. While he seems to be running an indie publishing house, in fact he’s running his empire from your time, gathering these Marcher Lords. He recruits with promises of contracts and ever flowing Mountain Dew, but really he is making an Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronaut army. You may know him as GerKey or some other silly name.
Kerry was recruited a few years ago. I believe, correct me if I’m wrong, that is how he came across your stream feed. Please tell me what you know.
HardCandy- Recruited? Is that what you call it? Being plucked from your home, having your head sheared and an implant stuck in your head by a giant mechanical spider. Recruited. Rails funny, CrazyHair.
Gerke? I think Sand uses that as a swear word…
Sandfly- Only occasionally. Like in high stress, multithread situations. Sometimes “Gerke!” just comes out. I had no idea it was a real person, though. Does that mean Clarke and Crichton were real people too? Because I use those names a lot.
I do know a MountDew, though. He’s a real highlevel—14 or 15, I think. Gets lots done, but can only work in short bursts. And he smells funny. Like wet cat and lemons. Heavily blended.
Diane- The wet cat smell is a sure sign of Amishness. And the lemon…zombies smell like lemons. It’s because of the Dew in its raw form. No sugar. No caffeine. Does this MountDew have a jagged scar around his neck? Does he sparkle in the sunlight?
Diane- Okay. There is clearly a breakdown in our communication. In one of Kerry’s last transmissions, he told me the two of you had tasted the cure. A sweet delight consumed. Do you remember the cheesecake?
MountDew will not go near the stuff if I am right. His Marcher Lords have setup anti-cheesecake rallies across the world, usually at barn raising parties. Does DarkTrench have all the ingredients to reproduce cheesecake? The fate of the world rests on your shoulders.
Diane- All right, I thank you both for joining me. Remember, if you come into contact with a Marcher Lord, do not look them directly in the eye. And whatever you do, don’t take a drink from them. Eat cheesecake every day and carry an anvil with you at all times. You are not safe just because you are in space. DarkTrench can’t protect you from an Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronaut.
Do either of you have anything else you can share with our readers?
HardyCandy- Read while you can, while your stream—however archaic—is still free. And your heads, of course. Just immerse yourself. I mean, I think Sand is keeping our records…you shared our records, right?
Sandfly- Yeah. They’re out there. Few have accessed them, though. Not enough! Time is short, freeheads. Hey, here’s an idea. Gift-giving, right? You still celebrate Christmas, right? Bite off the records and send them to your friends. Good bits, lots of bits. And all Full Impact!
There we have it. I didn’t want to believe it, but the evidence is unmistakable. Jeff Gerke is an evil genius bent on taking over the world with his Marcher Lords. He had his head frozen in a cryogenics chamber full of pure, raw Mountain Dew. Is it coincidence that he lives near the mountains? I think not.
Poor Kerry tried to warn us, but I fear his full transformation has occurred. No doubt he is sparkling with the rest of those Marcher Lords, raising barns and drinking Tang spiked with raw Dew.
Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronautism is a sickness stretching through our galaxy. We must fight back before it is too late. Arm yourselves, my friends…daily cheesecake. And for the love of all that is holy, if you see either of these men…
Clock him in the head with
Cram a piece of cheesecake in
his mouth and RUN!
I hope all of you have had as much fun as I have. Don’t forget to enter for a chance to win a signed copy of Kerry’s book. Follow the directions from yesterday.
Find out more about Kerry and his wonderful cast of characters at these fine places.
Find out more about Jeff Gerke and his Marcher Lords in these fine places.
Peace, love and God’s will.