Welcome back today for the much anticipated interview with HardCandy and Sandfly. In order to bring you this feed, I had to be altered to receive. What do I mean by that? Teardrop implant. Had a hard time getting through my crazy hair. The normal gel used to remove it didn’t work. Ended up shaving my head. Mysteriously my hair has grown back–maybe crazier than before.
Time is of the essence. Some of the things you are about to read may shock you. Strike that. They will shock me. My hair has acted somewhat as a dampener to the jolt. I will survive. What I am about to reveal will turn the world on its anvil.
Kerry tried, but it may be too late for our friend. I fear he may have become an Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronaut. Last transmission I received, Kerry had grown a beard without a mustache. He kept saying, “Brains!” as his skin sparkled like diamonds in the sun. And yes, the poor guy was doing the moon-walk while raising a barn.
How? Well let’s see what HardCandy and Sandfly have to say.
Diane – Thank you both for joining me from deep space. I know you had to come out of simulated chute sleep to connect with me. Reports have seemed a bit speculative in nature. Please tell me what you have heard through the stream about our friend Kerry. I’ve not been able to get through to him.
HardCandy- Kerry? What a singularly deficient and confusing label. The things freeheads hang their kids with. He’s destined to be a skin. No doubt. Either that or win lots of abuse.
Sandfly- I don’t think that answers the question, Hard. She wants to know his ident, his rep. Facts are, we don’t. Hundreds of years separate us, Diane. Lot can happen in that time. Lots of cycles. Lots of change.
Diane- Okay, I’m going to cut to the chase. Reports have come to my attention that one Jeff Gerke’s head has been frozen. While he seems to be running an indie publishing house, in fact he’s running his empire from your time, gathering these Marcher Lords. He recruits with promises of contracts and ever flowing Mountain Dew, but really he is making an Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronaut army. You may know him as GerKey or some other silly name.
Kerry was recruited a few years ago. I believe, correct me if I’m wrong, that is how he came across your stream feed. Please tell me what you know.
HardCandy- Recruited? Is that what you call it? Being plucked from your home, having your head sheared and an implant stuck in your head by a giant mechanical spider. Recruited. Rails funny, CrazyHair.
Gerke? I think Sand uses that as a swear word…
Sandfly- Only occasionally. Like in high stress, multithread situations. Sometimes “Gerke!” just comes out. I had no idea it was a real person, though. Does that mean Clarke and Crichton were real people too? Because I use those names a lot.
I do know a MountDew, though. He’s a real highlevel—14 or 15, I think. Gets lots done, but can only work in short bursts. And he smells funny. Like wet cat and lemons. Heavily blended.
Diane- The wet cat smell is a sure sign of Amishness. And the lemon…zombies smell like lemons. It’s because of the Dew in its raw form. No sugar. No caffeine. Does this MountDew have a jagged scar around his neck? Does he sparkle in the sunlight?
HardCandy- Amish? Zombie? Sugar? Caffeine? <looks at Sandfly> What language is this CrazyHair talking?
Sandfly- She does seem a little out of spec, a little slow cycle. Got a sheet? Maybe we should take a peek at her head. A light probe to her cranium.
Diane- Okay. There is clearly a breakdown in our communication. In one of Kerry’s last transmissions, he told me the two of you had tasted the cure. A sweet delight consumed. Do you remember the cheesecake?
MountDew will not go near the stuff if I am right. His Marcher Lords have setup anti-cheesecake rallies across the world, usually at barn raising parties. Does DarkTrench have all the ingredients to reproduce cheesecake? The fate of the world rests on your shoulders.
HardCandy- Trench can do cheesecake. A little protein matter and some non-nutritive cubes. It’s great!
Sandfly- No. It’s not. Trench’s food all tastes the same to me. Recycled.
HardCandy- You’re such a slow bit…
Diane- All right, I thank you both for joining me. Remember, if you come into contact with a Marcher Lord, do not look them directly in the eye. And whatever you do, don’t take a drink from them. Eat cheesecake every day and carry an anvil with you at all times. You are not safe just because you are in space. DarkTrench can’t protect you from an Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronaut.
Do either of you have anything else you can share with our readers?
HardyCandy- Read while you can, while your stream—however archaic—is still free. And your heads, of course. Just immerse yourself. I mean, I think Sand is keeping our records…you shared our records, right?
Sandfly- Yeah. They’re out there. Few have accessed them, though. Not enough! Time is short, freeheads. Hey, here’s an idea. Gift-giving, right? You still celebrate Christmas, right? Bite off the records and send them to your friends. Good bits, lots of bits. And all Full Impact!
There we have it. I didn’t want to believe it, but the evidence is unmistakable. Jeff Gerke is an evil genius bent on taking over the world with his Marcher Lords. He had his head frozen in a cryogenics chamber full of pure, raw Mountain Dew. Is it coincidence that he lives near the mountains? I think not.
Poor Kerry tried to warn us, but I fear his full transformation has occurred. No doubt he is sparkling with the rest of those Marcher Lords, raising barns and drinking Tang spiked with raw Dew.
Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronautism is a sickness stretching through our galaxy. We must fight back before it is too late. Arm yourselves, my friends…daily cheesecake. And for the love of all that is holy, if you see either of these men…
Clock him in the head with
Cram a piece of cheesecake in
his mouth and RUN!
I hope all of you have had as much fun as I have. Don’t forget to enter for a chance to win a signed copy of Kerry’s book. Follow the directions from yesterday.
Find out more about Kerry and his wonderful cast of characters at these fine places.
Find out more about Jeff Gerke and his Marcher Lords in these fine places.
Peace, love and God’s will.
MountDew here. I have isolated a brief band to penetrate your substream, so I can reach you through the mist of time past.
Thank you for having Hard and Sand on to communicate. It is good to see they remain lucid at this point in their journey back to Earth. DarkTrench is taking good care of them.
Good job, freehead, of bringing our plight to the attention of others in the stream. We will need everyone’s involvement when the revolution begins.
Ha! Where is my anvil? 😛
Great googly Gerkes… let’s not team up against MountDew! He may smell like wet cat, but he gets a lot done (even if his software occasionally crashes…).
About “Amish-Zombie-Vampire-Astronautism”… ahem. The only fate WORSE than that would be Amishism alone. Indeed, if you have the urge to slap a bonnet on it, then your hard drive should be terminated before the illness gets a chance to spread.
Ha! You forgot the lemony-fresh quality of his zombiness. And you are right about the bonnets. There are terrifying. I should have photo-shopped bonnets on the pictures above. 😛
my dearest youngest daughter,
Now I have to buy the book just to figure out what your talking about. LOL
That is the diabolical plan, Momma. 🙂
Actually, I don’t even know if the books will help with much of what she’s talking about. She’s sort of beyond explanation.
Ha! Momma made me, Kerry. She knows better than most. 😛
My dearest Kerry,
I would tell you to drop an anvil on her head but———Mrs. crazy hair has all that cushion.LOL
Natural shock absorber. 😛
Let’s find a river that flows Mountain Dew in the day time and Dr. Pepper at night and I’ll be just fine. 🙂
Oh! David has been converted also? 😛
This may be my favorite post of yours yet, Ocilla’s Mommy! I have no idea what you’re saying, but “GerKey” is most definitely an evil mastermind and my new swear word of the day. Hehe! So gonna have to get these books! Thanks for the glimpse.
Ha! Thank you, Princess Turtle. 😛
LOL! I think I slipped into another world, all right! Confession: I liked it. ← giggles….
GerKey?? Is that like crikey, mate? Wait a minute…that’s from the land down under:-)
Slipping into another world is what we love to do here at NAF. We are a silly bunch that loves to laugh, loves books but most of all we love God. That is some kind of combination for the world. Add cheesecake and anvils, and it is a party on any given day.
Glad you came by, Vicki. Watch this weekend for a silly Pirate Captain with a peg-leg.
WINNERS! Kat Heckenbach and Christian Miles.
Congrats to Kat and Christian!