Have you ever been so shattered you felt nothing could ever put you back together again? Have you been at the darkest shade of despair? To the point you felt like living was a cruel and unusual joke? Have your thoughts ever turned that sad and hopeless? Mine have. There have been a few times in my life where I was utterly broken and I held onto life by a thin thread. Thank God He was the thread and it was never severed.
In my book I Am Ocilla, it begins with a very dark passage. Ocilla has lost all memories, only knows her name and the pain of breathing another breath is nearly more than she can bear. Most of you have read it but I am going to post it below for those that have not. The rest of you can skip beyond it.
The darkness of my abyss is consuming. Direction is irrelevant and time is worthless. If only I could pinpoint the moment when it all faded and I became nothing, then maybe I would be able to crawl back into existence. I am neither tired nor fully awake and my heartbeat is an echoed thrum of worthless hope.
I am Ocilla. That I know for sure. As I sit in this prison of emptiness, no other memory surfaces. My thoughts are blank and no matter how hard I try, I cannot get passed the imaginary barricade in my mind’s eye. The only sound is the drip, drip, dripping in the distance and I am all alone in this hell. They will come for me soon and then, I will be no more.
Ocilla has no idea how important she is. She has no idea of the direction her life is about to take. Something happens to change the course and lead her to a different tomorrow. Something beautiful and lovely fills her darkness with the sweet and bright song of life.
At one point in my life, I felt exactly as Ocilla did. I wanted to die because I knew no comfort in life. Now, some may say this is crazy because I have known God all my life. To them, I say they are wrong. Even His children can fall away from their faith. Even His children forget to seek Him in ALL things from time to time. He is always the same but I am ever changing.
During that deep despair, much like Ocilla, I could not think much past the hurt. I only knew I wanted the pain to stop and only Daddy could make it. So, I called out and He had been waiting for me all along. He held me and rocked me. He cried with me and gave me strength where there was none before. He gave me enough hope to make another day and as each day passed, I became stronger in spirit. Little by little, I was put back together. He gave me His breath of life for a reason and I had to hold on to see why.
That was twelve years ago. My son Peyton will be ten next month, I am writing my third and fourth book and I have been so very blessed. I can’t even put into words what this takes for me to write. I can’t even put into words how very loved I feel. My scriptures this week come from Jeremiah and Psalms.
JEREMIAH 29:11- 13
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
PSALMS 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Peace,love and God’s will.
The New Authors Fellowship 
oh, that passage still gives me chills. Thank God, He is that thin steel thread of hope when we dangle over the precipice of our despair. A bruised reed He will not crush and a smoking flax he will not snuff out. When we are utterly done in, He alone can make us better.
Exactly, Kathy! 😀
This is an article that I will read over and over! I have done that with all of your articles (books) really, but as you probably know (being the prophetess that you are) this one is refreshment to my mind and spirit, nourishment for my bones. I am Ocilla at this very moment, not knowing what direction to go in nor who I truly am. Feeling empty, unloved, overlooked, destitute today. My mother is terminally ill, my job runs out at the end of June, I am being unfairly attacked for just being a Christian conservative. Not the debate type but the meanspirited , brutal type of attack that has been going on for three years now. This article is my salvation. I really like Kathleen reminding me of that scripture because I feel bruised and battered, too. Nt pastor told me that I have a high calling on my life, that is why the devil is attacking me from all sides, to distract, to discourage , to make me give up. You, Di, are my gift from God, you came in my life when I only had the faith of a mustard seed. You friendship and insight helped me plant it.
In my reading today, God led me to this scripture passage.
Isaiah 41: 10-13 Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you: do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you: yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. Behold, all they who are enraged and inflamed against you shall be put to shame and confounded: they who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as nothing, as nothing at all. For I the Lord your God hold your right hand: I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you.
It never ceases to amaze me of how current God’s word always is and how precious and loving his children are. Thanks Lady Di. That is all I can say.
My dear sweet friend,
I am always humbled by your responses. Thank you for your kind words. I continue to keep you in my prayers and know God will have victory in your life. Keep the faith through these hard times. Your song is beautiful and is for HIS glory.
My prayers are with you and your mother. When times get hard for me, it soothes my mind to remember that at this moment, God is using me as a light for someone, somewhere.
In every heart there lies a dotted line where despair has literally torn it in half, where the maker has sewn it together very loosely. I believe the reason for this is because he knows that there will be several times that he will have to put it back together again and so he makes it a little less painful by not having it sewn so tightly. I also believe that he does this so that we will always have a reminder of his love and everlasting generosity to his children. I might add that every time I hear of the pain my children endure, it tears at that dotted line on my heart. For I, like Jesus want to hold them in my arms and cry with them. I pray daily that I have the strength to stand back and let the Lord do his job.
You showed me the love of God, Momma. What greater gift can a Momma give her child? 😀
Mom, I now know what you mean. Johnette lives over 5 hours away, and I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I miss her so much it hurts. I wonder if this is how God feels for all of us multiplied times millions.
Thank you so much, friend…truly.
I am passing this on to a dear friend who is in a dark place.
Love…
Thanks, Judith. Love back at you. 😀
[…] Broken […]
Oh my! And my answer to your opening questions is yes, yes, YES! I *have* felt that way! It’s been a hard summer, year, SEVERAL years – and until now, I thought no one understood. Just to sense you’ve been there is like a balm to my heart, for there is so much I’ve not written (even though I’m a writer), and so much I haven’t been able to say (because I’ve been rendered speechless by the pain at times)….then you come along and point me here. THANK you, Diane. I need courage to begin again, with writing -with LIFE. God used you to lift my own heart, and I’m sure, countless others. Must read your book! Hugs, Vicki
Wow, Vicki. I am speechless. Thank you for your kind words. There is great comfort in knowing God understands our pain and He cries with us. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. There will be victory in Jesus.
Seems we hit on this a bit with our last phone chat, hey, Diane? Yes, and at times we really feel we have no hope at all, no reason to keep going. Several years of post traumatic stress put me squarely in that place. I’m still not totally in the “it’s all roses and buttercups” camp yet. Not sure I’ll ever be. But that’s okay. That’s life. Great article!
We have discussed this, Chila. I know your battle has been one of great heartache and even greater bravery. You are an inspiration to those that know your story. By golly, you sling a gun and Jesus stands as your strength. 😀
To this day, I have dark times that try to rob me of my joy. I kick the darkness in the shin and go dance in the rain. Well, after I wallow in it a bit. 😉
This…speaks to me! Thanks for posting this. Keep going.
Thank you, Melanie. 😀
Yep, I can relate.