Have you ever been so shattered you felt nothing could ever put you back together again? Have you been at the darkest shade of despair? To the point you felt like living was a cruel and unusual joke? Have your thoughts ever turned that sad and hopeless? Mine have. There have been a few times in my life where I was utterly broken and I held onto life by a thin thread. Thank God He was the thread and it was never severed.
In my book I Am Ocilla, it begins with a very dark passage. Ocilla has lost all memories, only knows her name and the pain of breathing another breath is nearly more than she can bear. Most of you have read it but I am going to post it below for those that have not. The rest of you can skip beyond it.
The darkness of my abyss is consuming. Direction is irrelevant and time is worthless. If only I could pinpoint the moment when it all faded and I became nothing, then maybe I would be able to crawl back into existence. I am neither tired nor fully awake and my heartbeat is an echoed thrum of worthless hope.
I am Ocilla. That I know for sure. As I sit in this prison of emptiness, no other memory surfaces. My thoughts are blank and no matter how hard I try, I cannot get passed the imaginary barricade in my mind’s eye. The only sound is the drip, drip, dripping in the distance and I am all alone in this hell. They will come for me soon and then, I will be no more.
Ocilla has no idea how important she is. She has no idea of the direction her life is about to take. Something happens to change the course and lead her to a different tomorrow. Something beautiful and lovely fills her darkness with the sweet and bright song of life.
At one point in my life, I felt exactly as Ocilla did. I wanted to die because I knew no comfort in life. Now, some may say this is crazy because I have known God all my life. To them, I say they are wrong. Even His children can fall away from their faith. Even His children forget to seek Him in ALL things from time to time. He is always the same but I am ever changing.
During that deep despair, much like Ocilla, I could not think much past the hurt. I only knew I wanted the pain to stop and only Daddy could make it. So, I called out and He had been waiting for me all along. He held me and rocked me. He cried with me and gave me strength where there was none before. He gave me enough hope to make another day and as each day passed, I became stronger in spirit. Little by little, I was put back together. He gave me His breath of life for a reason and I had to hold on to see why.
That was twelve years ago. My son Peyton will be ten next month, I am writing my third and fourth book and I have been so very blessed. I can’t even put into words what this takes for me to write. I can’t even put into words how very loved I feel. My scriptures this week come from Jeremiah and Psalms.
JEREMIAH 29:11- 13
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Peace,love and God’s will.