Sometimes I feel like all this effort and this passion is going into something that is just not going to happen.
Sometimes I feel like giving up.
But when I sit and think about life without writing, my blood runs cold and I’m filled with this fear. Life without writing…inconceivable. Who would I be? Not that writing defines me, but my purpose–my ministry–would be lost.
I look around and so many of my friends are being published, whether through traditional publishers or self-published, and I’ll admit to that twinge of jealousy. Why is it their time? Why not mine? What did their story/writing have that mine didn’t? (Have you heard of the self-confidence level of writers?) Don’t get me wrong, I am super excited for all my friends and do what I can to support them in getting the word out about their book. But at first, for just a minute, there’s jealousy.
It’s just not my time yet.
All that I have control over is what I do. If anything, the past six years have been–inconsistent. Most would say that, given the season of my life, that’s understandable. In 6 years, I’ve moved four times (about to move again), my family has gone from 1 kid to 3 (all 6 and under), my husband was discharged from the army for medical reasons, and sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed. Still, I kick myself for inconsistency–for losing focus. I have a goal. Yet all too often, that goal is pushed to the side for various reasons, one of which quite honestly is laziness. Sometimes I just don’t want to.
I found out about a year ago that I’m a perfectionist. Yes, just a year ago. I was really struggling with getting things accomplished–frustration and depression abounded. And then someone told me I was a perfectionist–but not the kind that is almost OCD about everything. More the kind that feels if I can’t do something all the way, the right way, then I’m just not going to do it at all. Talk about an eye opener–and oh so true. So, the last year has been a struggle against this ingrained nature. It’s okay to write for 15 minutes, it’s okay to get the toys picked up but not dust/vaccuum right now, it’s okay to not have a gourmet meal every night.
Oh, but there’s a piece of the puzzle that I all too often miss. God. How often do I look to Him when I feel overwhelmed? How often do I lean on His shoulder when I’m frustrated, angry, or afraid? How often do I invite Him to share the day with me? How often do I ask His guidance with my passion? I think I’m leaving out a very important step more often than not. That’s the reason that my word for 2013 in PRAYER–a closer walk with thee.
God gave me this passion, He called me to this journey, and it will come to pass in His time and in His way.